MY PLEASURE – Abandoning the Labels in Relationships

Can you have a relationship with your fuck buddy? Can you have sex with your friend? Can things stay the same or does changing boundaries change everything? Lately I’ve been thinking about how certain partners fit into certain categories, wondering if they should stay in those boxes or if their roles can be more fluid like sexuality.

I tried the whole celibacy thing for a couple of months, and as soon as I got laid people started asking me why I seemed happier. I figure this is reason enough to start having sex again – but I don’t necessarily want to settle down any time soon. Dating around opens up many possibilities I haven’t previously discovered while being a serial monogamous. Not only does it provide more people to connect with, but it brings more life experience – and that’s what dating is all about: Learning who you are and what you want.

But I don’t exactly get the whole dating thing. I’ve only either had flings or relationships, so my recollection of dating is very little to draw from. I’ve gone on “dates” with people I had already been in relationships with or was already in a relationship with – but I’ve only gone on a few real dates where I didn’t already know the person beforehand. Most of the time we just hung out as if we were together until we decided to admit we were actually together. Eventually the line between fuck buddy and partner became blurred and we gave into the pressure of a label.

But what if I don’t want to give into the pressure of a label? What if I don’t want to just be with one person? As I grow and meet people, I’m realizing that there are many different types of relationships a person can have with many different kinds of people. Just like being fluid sexually and having experiences with partners despite their gender, relationships don’t have to be black and white. People who are my friends sometimes become my lovers, and my lovers sometimes become my friends. This is because I’m learning how to have deeper connections with people who are in my life.

Typically I surround myself with artists. Most of my friends are artists, and I tend to be attracted to a lot of them because we share the same interests and passions. However, sometimes when 2 people have sex the dynamic changes and distorts that connection. You develop different desires and expectations than you originally felt. You want things you didn’t want before. Jealousy comes out of nowhere, even if you don’t want a relationship with that person. You find yourself getting mad that they went on a date with someone even though you weren’t exclusive.

No matter how hard I try not to grow feelings for someone, I often do – especially the more talented they are and the more of a connection we have in bed. Even if we are just fuck buddies, I end up wanting more than just sex. It’s an issue for me because I want to keep the original relationship I had with them. They’re an important part of my life whether they inspire me, collaborate with me, compete with me or just help me relax. Creativity and passion go hand in hand, and often it can be hard to regulate the outcome of these 2 things coming together from 2 people.

Lately I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of letting go. I often need to be in control, knowing what’s going on in situations and relationships. The little details drive me crazy; I don’t like feeling vulnerable and like someone has the upper hand. But I can’t control everything, and life is about enjoying all the craziness that comes with it. Like cuddling and watching Alice in Wonderland, surrounded by paint. Or reading someone’s unpublished novel while sexting in bed.

It’s hard for me not to want to be physically stimulated by people who already mentally stimulate me, but it doesn’t mean anything has to change in the relationship. It also doesn’t mean it’s bad if things do change. Whether they’re my date, my friend, my fuck buddy or my lover these people impact my life and my future for the better. Whatever I learn in my experiences with them teaches me who I am and who I want to be.

LOVE LESSON: Say Those Three Little(BIG) Words

This is our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, email mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I loveses you. I luz you.

There are a million ways to say it. A million ways to express the deep care, respect and attraction you feel for your significant other.

My boyfriend and I say, “I love you,” a lot. Sometimes we say it five times in an hour. With grins on our faces, we take a second or two to express our love every fairly often.

Sure, there are days when we don’t say it as often. Maybe because we’re tired or lost in our own respective hobbies. But when we say it, we mean it. And it has played a part, I’m sure, in helping us forge the incredible bond we have.

[Text & Picture by Rosella Eleanor LaFevre]

LOVE LESSON: Grow Old and Disgusting Together?

This is our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, email mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

“I want to grow old loving you.”

This was the sentiment of one of the more romantic Valentine’s Day cards I saw at Rite-Aid on my first V-Day with Chris. I wanted to buy it because even then, I felt that way about my boyfriend, with whom I had been for about a year at that point. But then, feeling that way and saying it out loud (or even in a card) are very different concepts.

Most girls, I think, myself included, are scared to actually share these words with our boyfriends. What if he thinks I’m crazy? Or, What if he doesn’t feel the same way? Many of these are the same doubts that arise when we consider saying those three words, “I love you.”

And certainly, our parents would think we’re crazy. Who could know what they would want something for the rest of their lives?

Well. I think these excuses are a bunch of hooey. You should have this conversation with your significant other. I wouldn’t say that you should let the outcome of the conversation make or break your relationship, but it’s important to know where you stand if you think that you might want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

I had this conversation with my guy. “Do you want to marry me and have babies with me?” I asked when I was a little more tipsy than I’d like to admit. I’m not going to tell you what my baby said, but it’s good that I know how he feels. - Rosella Eleanor LaFevre

[photo from Think Geek]

LOVE LESSON: Don’t Text Your Way to a Break-Up

This is our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, email mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

Photo from Wikipedia

Communication has truly evolved. We have so many ways to express ourselves and connect. From Facebook and Twitter, to blogging and texting, we can instantly reach out and say what’s on our minds. But just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. Instant communication may not be the best medium, especially where romantic relationships are concerned. One small text can turn one small issue into the mother lode of all fights. No matter how many smiley faces or little hearts you add in, texts are often misconstrued because they lack that face-to-face interaction where you pick up on emotion, body language, humour, and so many other subtleties for which we humans are known.  If something is important enough to discuss, it should be important enough to wait until you are able to have an in-person conversation.  While it may be difficult sometimes to broach certain topics or discuss your feelings, face-to-face communication gives you what every relationship needs: connection. Eyes, faces, bodies, emotions : no smiley faces or little hearts needed because it’s all there in front of you. Plus, when it comes to making up, I’d pick a real kiss over a virtual one any day. - Brenda LePage

LOVE LESSON: Don’t Meet Up with Your Ex

This is our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, email mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

If you meet up again post-break up, it’ll make it all the much harder to let go.

“He your boyfriend?” Dominique asked.

“Was,” the young co-ed said with a wistful smile at the guy in question. “Once upon a time.”

“Once upon a time,” Dominique repeated, watching while the once-upon-a-time-boyfriend, leaning forward. The young woman leaned into him, their foreheads almost touching as they stared into each other’s eyes.

What Dominique didn’t know was this was the first time the two kids saw each other since that tearful phone conversation that ended their brief, but undoubtedly intense, union.

That was the first time she saw her ex in over 2 months and all of those feelings she had for him which had laid unresolved, the algae on the fish tank of my heart, bubbled to the surface. It caused nothing but hurt and confusion.

They never got back together (for many reasons) and until she found the perfect guy, she thought about this one, wasting all that energy wondering, Should I have gotten back together with him? Most often, the truth is if you were meant to be together, you never would have broken up in the first place.

Don’t meet up with your ex. It’s just a recipe for trouble. - Rosella Eleanor LaFevre

LOVE LESSON: Real Lovers Are Silly

Real lovers know how to laugh together, says writer Rae Bradley. (All photo rights belong to photographer Bianca Crespo)

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly,” Rose Franken said.

There’s only so much passion a couple can have. I’m not saying you can’t have a lot, but there is a balance that’s required to make it work, as with anything in life. I really think Ms. Franken was onto something. You can be as serious, romantic, and passionate as you want; just make sure you have a good laugh while you’re at it.

My boyfriend Jon and I have been together for three years and three months now. We’ve had our bumps and awkward moments, but it’s never deterred us from being able to laugh at the situation (or each other). Obviously, some moments are more sensitive than others, and handling them accordingly is not only appropriate, but necessary. However, looking back, there has been a surplus of moments that could have turned sour, if not for our ability to throw a little humor into them.

One of the major reasons I fell in love with Jon was his ability to make me smile and laugh. Even now, there isn’t a day that goes by that he fails at that. And yes, admittedly, we have pet names for each other. We are that couple that friends call us “disgustingly cute.” I’ll be the first to say, frankly, we are ridiculous—but it has never gotten out of hand or in the way of important matters. I think our “silliness” is what has kept us so close all these years. And honestly… I wouldn’t change it a bit. - Rae Bradley

LOVE LESSON: Break Out of that Rut

This is the fifth installment of our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, send an email to mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

Every weekend last year my boyfriend and I made our way to our favorite cheap Philadelphia eatery for create-your-own salads and buffalo burgers then we toured the shops on Walnut and eventually made our way back to the confines of his room to half watch a movie and happily fall asleep. Enjoyable? Yes. Comforting? Of course. But exciting? Clearly not.

And the more of a routine rut we fell into, the more we argued. We didn’t have anything interesting to recap on when our night was over, and there weren’t any new, life experiences for us to share together. The routine was quietly destroying our bond.

But when I moved to New York this summer, all of that changed. Each time we see each other, after obnoxiously long embraces, we have a new neighborhood to explore and adventures to embark on as a couple. And now, we have improved not only our conversations but also our bond.

So this weekend, instead of finding peace in comfort, make your love get out of that rut and experience something new with you. It makes a big difference, I promise. – Cary Carr

LOVE LESSON: Forget the Flaws or Move On

This is the fourth installment of our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, send an email to mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

So your boyfriend forgot to turn off the lights when he left the house and when you got home the cat wasn’t fed and the son-of-a-bitch forgot to make the bed? Get over it. Focusing on someone’s flaws will indefinitely destroy your relationship, especially if you’re consistently throwing them in your partner’s face thereby making them feel like a bad puppy that just had a carpet-abolishing incident.

Now there’s some, shall we say, personality flaws that are simply unforgivable (i.e. anything that involves abuse, cheating, lying, etc.), but if you can’t let go of the little things than you’re not being fair to your mate. And, truth be told, none of us are perfect – excluding of course Ryan Gosling and George Clooney.

Instead of focusing on how annoyed you are, try focusing on the positive — like the fact that your partner is comfortable enough around you to be themself. Plus, those dorky character imperfections are what makes your sweetie multidimensional and – let’s face it — pretty comical. – Cary Carr

LOVE LESSON: Shared Interests Aren’t Everything

This is the third installment of our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, send an email to mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

When Tom Hansen described how perfect Summer was for him, his little sister said something very wise. “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate,” she told him.

Tom’s preoccupation with his and Summer’s shared interests in (500) Days of Summer is something a lot of us have shared. When people look for partners, they tend to focus on shared interests, thinking that being able to talk for hours about something or other means they will never run out of things to talk about.

In writing her incredible book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, one of the things Lori Gottlieb discovered while interviewing experts and regular people is that shared interests are not most important to making a relationship work.

What’s really important is shared values and personality traits like patience, honesty and understanding. These are the things that determine a couple’s compatibility and what gets them through life together. - Rosella Eleanor LaFevre

LOVE LESSON: Keep the Butterflies of the Honeymoon Stage

This is the second installment of our “Love Lessons” column. Every week, we publish a mini-essay (100-250 words) about a single thing that can make or break a relationship. To submit your own entry, email mlts.magazine@gmail.com.

Madly in love. (Photo by Rosella Eleanor LaFevre)

The most popular post I’ve ever written on my blog is called, “Phasin’.” In that post, I wrote about the honeymoon phase which is supposed to be the first 90 days of any relationship. Today, I still believe that the honeymoon phase does not have to end — or it can, at least, last a much longer time than three months.

Chris and I have been together two years and it still feels at least a little like we’re in that honeymoon phase. I think a large part of this has to do with the fact that we make each other feel loved every day. We do small things for one another and we say “I love you” to each other a million times a day.

Knowing that we care about each other is half the battle of keeping that honeymoon feeling alive and maintaining a healthy relationship, I believe. It seems to me that the reason older couples find themselves unhappy is because, in the everyday hustle and bustle, it’s easy to forget to say those three words with meaning.

It’s certainly easy to take one another for granted, but perhaps half of the “work” people think they need to do in a relationship could be eliminated if they just remembered to say those words with a smile. – Rosella Eleanor LaFevre