Can you have a relationship with your fuck buddy? Can you have sex with your friend? Can things stay the same or does changing boundaries change everything? Lately I’ve been thinking about how certain partners fit into certain categories, wondering if they should stay in those boxes or if their roles can be more fluid like sexuality.
I tried the whole celibacy thing for a couple of months, and as soon as I got laid people started asking me why I seemed happier. I figure this is reason enough to start having sex again – but I don’t necessarily want to settle down any time soon. Dating around opens up many possibilities I haven’t previously discovered while being a serial monogamous. Not only does it provide more people to connect with, but it brings more life experience – and that’s what dating is all about: Learning who you are and what you want.
But I don’t exactly get the whole dating thing. I’ve only either had flings or relationships, so my recollection of dating is very little to draw from. I’ve gone on “dates” with people I had already been in relationships with or was already in a relationship with – but I’ve only gone on a few real dates where I didn’t already know the person beforehand. Most of the time we just hung out as if we were together until we decided to admit we were actually together. Eventually the line between fuck buddy and partner became blurred and we gave into the pressure of a label.
But what if I don’t want to give into the pressure of a label? What if I don’t want to just be with one person? As I grow and meet people, I’m realizing that there are many different types of relationships a person can have with many different kinds of people. Just like being fluid sexually and having experiences with partners despite their gender, relationships don’t have to be black and white. People who are my friends sometimes become my lovers, and my lovers sometimes become my friends. This is because I’m learning how to have deeper connections with people who are in my life.
Typically I surround myself with artists. Most of my friends are artists, and I tend to be attracted to a lot of them because we share the same interests and passions. However, sometimes when 2 people have sex the dynamic changes and distorts that connection. You develop different desires and expectations than you originally felt. You want things you didn’t want before. Jealousy comes out of nowhere, even if you don’t want a relationship with that person. You find yourself getting mad that they went on a date with someone even though you weren’t exclusive.
No matter how hard I try not to grow feelings for someone, I often do – especially the more talented they are and the more of a connection we have in bed. Even if we are just fuck buddies, I end up wanting more than just sex. It’s an issue for me because I want to keep the original relationship I had with them. They’re an important part of my life whether they inspire me, collaborate with me, compete with me or just help me relax. Creativity and passion go hand in hand, and often it can be hard to regulate the outcome of these 2 things coming together from 2 people.
Lately I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of letting go. I often need to be in control, knowing what’s going on in situations and relationships. The little details drive me crazy; I don’t like feeling vulnerable and like someone has the upper hand. But I can’t control everything, and life is about enjoying all the craziness that comes with it. Like cuddling and watching Alice in Wonderland, surrounded by paint. Or reading someone’s unpublished novel while sexting in bed.
It’s hard for me not to want to be physically stimulated by people who already mentally stimulate me, but it doesn’t mean anything has to change in the relationship. It also doesn’t mean it’s bad if things do change. Whether they’re my date, my friend, my fuck buddy or my lover these people impact my life and my future for the better. Whatever I learn in my experiences with them teaches me who I am and who I want to be.